The Controller, The Abuser, The Batterer

What's The Difference?

True, abuse is abuse. It does not matter if the controller, the abuser or the batterer does the abuse. Knowing the difference between the three not only helps you know what and whom you are dealing with, but it gives you the independence of knowing how to identify the nature of the beast that you love or once loved. Its easy to say that you are abused but it better to be able to identify and communicate the form of abuse that you are living with so that “you” the victim can better help yourself and your family.                 

THE CONTROLLER:

The Controller has not physically abused their partner. This means that there has been no hitting, beating, slapping, kicking or any physical contact with their partner at all. The Controller pays little or no attention to the needs of its partner. The Controller will at times embarrass you or make fun of you in front of family, friends and strangers. This makes The Controller feel like the “big shot”. Often turning to see how much attention is being given, and making a mental note to those who are laughing and / or agreeing with them. This gives The Controller power and confidence and makes The Controller feel like they are in total control over you. This type of control is seen to The Controller as a trophy and is worn proud like a gold medal upon The Controller’s sleeve. The Controller will use intimidation to gain attention and control over the abused. At times putting down the victims’ accomplishments and goals. Making the victim feel like they are unable to make decisions on their own. The Controller will often call on the phone an excessive amount of times during the course of a day, follow you when you leave the house or work or just appear randomly for no reason. Keeping track of where you are at all times and whom you communicate and come in contact with. This usually leads to well thought out questions from The Controller and confused answers from the victim. If the answers are not answered to The Controller’s satisfaction, and they usually aren’t, this usually leads to false accusations of affairs, or seeing you in places that you know you haven’t been.  To gain power or control over this situation, The Controller will often focus his strength on throwing objects, food, papers or items the seem to be in The Controller’s way around the house. Often making possessive claim to the home, its contents, vehicles, money, bank accounts and “you” the victim while slamming doors, punching or kicking walls, yelling while using obscene language and giving verbal attacks to the victims’ physical or mental state.

THE ABUSER:

The Abuser has moved beyond the socially acceptable means of controlling. Mental control no long completely satisfies this individual and so violence and threats move into form. This means that hitting; beating, slapping, kicking or any form of physical contact with their partner has or is happening. Along with the characteristics of the controller, The Abuser must and will use physical contact to gain power and control. Often threats of doing harm mentally or physically to the victim, the children, other family members or themselves are often communicated and carried out. Threats of suicide are often voiced along with threats of also killing the victim and the family. The children are often pawns in The Abuser game and at times are used to communicate a threat to the victim, or made to see the victim as the “Bad Parent”. At any given time The Abuser will change their behavior from being The Controller to being The Abuser. Often The Abuser will look for edginess in their partner so as to assert their physical control. The Abuser has no real reason for their anger or their behavior, sometimes it just seems to them to be a good time to exercise their need to be on top. Sexual abuse at times is often displayed with The Abusers behavior. The Abuser commands, demands or physically forces their partner to perform sexual acts not wanted by the abused. Many times victims are beat into submitting to sexual acts or held down against their will. Children are far too often caught up in this sexual crossfire and suffer by also being forced to watch, join in or act alone to sexual please The Abuser.

THE BATTERER:

The Batterer is all of the above and more. The Batterer will try to make you believe that their outburst is a mental problem and they have no control over themselves. The Batterer will deny not only to their selves but also to you that they have a problem. Often they will blame you for the reason they are the way that they are, and why they do the things that they do. The Batterers jealously is magnified 10 times more than The Controller and 20 times more than The Abuser. The Batterers jealous rages are intense and are triggered by a hair. The Batterer is inconsistent with emotions and takes the physical abuse to the verge of death. At times the Batterer is impulsive and marvels with the thought that life is “All About Me”. The Batterer shows no signs of being abusive outside the home and is well like by all that they come in contact with. The Batterer enforces control with repeated physical violence, manipulating control and behavior that is often taken too far, resulting in the victim becoming permanently disfigured, physically handicap or death.